KATiE MiA FredericK 2013 A year in Review
IS
NOt
my real name..in case ya joined the party
that is my blog
more recently..
Yah..my first name is Frederick..
but the rest of it is kinda
symbolic..for where i have been
and where i hope to go in this thing..
called
LIFE
!
KATiE MiA was orginally
Kind Autistics Taking in Everything
Mindful in Awareness..
an acronym of words based on a form
of my wife Katrina’s first name and her real
middle name too..
But there is the real meaning of her name
for Katie or Katrina that is a form of Kathryn
that simply means pure..
and the Mia name that in some cultures..
is a derivative of Michael that means
close to gOD
and in other cultures iT
may mean bitter
or even child wanted but
most unfortunately
not
had…
Well yah..who wouldn’t wanna be pure and
be close to GOD..
isn’t that what everyone wants..
well sadly nah..it is far from that for many
people…
So i would like to be that..
and yes that is my general Goal
and always has been in life..
from as far
as
i can remember looking over that
River of LIFE
at
age
3
UN
TIL
NOW MY FRIENDS…
AND EVEN HATERS TOO..
AS WHAT
CAN I SAY..
I LOVE YA TOO…
ANYWAY I THINK THAT IS HOW
GOD WORKS OVERALL
ANYHOW
I
THINK
!
WeLl
i have to say this is the best year ever
imaginable for me as i was dead in Effect and Affect.. starting in January..
had a goal from my marriage counselor therapist’s
office just to make it a goal of 15 minutes
in one full week…
to accommodate the anxiety and
pain of 19 medically documented disorders..
by visiting Whataburger..
Including an atypical form of trigeminal neuralgia..
a type two form ..of which some people refer to
as Sluder’s headache..or the
worst medically documented
known pain to
mankind
for 60 solid months of human hell…
And then suddenly in the end of July
accelerating for a prediction of
something happening by me
for the Star of David
event on
July 22nd
2013..
But oh my GOD..
the event was me coming
back to life..and a miraculous healing
on all fronts
of disability that even my therapist..
acknowledged as A REAL LIFE
MIRACLE..
I went from not being able to do anything..
to doing anything i wanted in life..in a span
of just several days..at the end of July..
after living in that human hell
of anxiety and pain..
for that
over
60
solid months of human hell…
Well to make a very long story that has
transpired in the last a little over 5 months..
let’s just say that things have gotten better
for me than i could have ever imagined
ever in life..as a human being
or whatever the fuller
totality of
existence
even is…
That improvement continues..
But truly it is time to put closure on an
extremely beautiful..challenging and
sometimes very ugly
2013 year…
But anyway i slice it.. IT is most definitely the
best year i could have ever imagined for
anyone
like
me…or maybe anyone else..
i don’t know.. as i have experienced things
in the last 5 months that i had no frigging idea
were even possible
in this thing we call
OVERALL EXISTENCE…
WELL I HOPE TO GO MONTH BY MONTH
AND PRESENT THIS POST IN A LOGICAL
AND AS STRUCTURED WAY
AS POSSIBLE
SO
I
WILL START HERE NOW WITH A LIST
OF MONTHS STARTING WITH JANUARY
AND CONTINUE ON UNTIL I GET TO NOW
AGAIN..
BUT IT’S ALREADY 1:16 AM..
GOTTA GET THAT WORD PRESS BLOG TIME
THINGY CHANGED BACK TO CENTRAL TIME
INSTEAD OF
EASTERN TIME..PER THE US
TIME ZONES..
I wanna make sure i post this and get it time marked for 2013..
and i really gotta get some sleep
so i will
Publish now..and hope to finish the
12 full months of reflection and introspection..
by midnight on New Year’s Eve….
And then hopefully i will be able to copy and paste IT
to my other two blogs..for folks that can’t seem
to open up Word Press for Whatever reason..
who may have been following
my blog for even months now..
who knows..maybe to see
what good becomes of me..
or if i eventually crashed and
burned..
but no..whatever the following may be
i am still surely going strong..even though
recuperating from the first real cold bug..that i’ve
experienced in over 5 years..my auto-immune system
i guess is finally balancing out
from being so dam strong..it was even literally
eating me alive…
Going after my tear glands and all of that…
with Sjogren’s Syndrome…
It’s not kool having absolutely no tears..
that sh** will put ya in a dark room
for months..been there
done it..
don’t ever wanna go there
again…
So I guess i will PUBLISH AND
leave for now WITH MORE TO COME with this
header for
JANUARY 2013
First of all i guess some history of who i am in real life is in order…
I was born on 6660 in North Florida..was a very happy child..and yes non-verbal too.. until age 4…
Back in those days..there was no diagnosis for Hyperlexia..ADHD..or so called higher functioning autism..otherwise known as Asperger’s syndrome..or in the US.. PDDNOS..Pervasive Development Disorder..where children with verbal delays are excluded from the Asperger’s diagnosis..which is not the case in Sweden under the Gillberg Criteria for Asperger’s syndrome that actually more fully reflects this syndrome that Hans Asperger described in the middle of the last century..in Austria…
Per the Gillberg Criteria i check every box for Asperger’s syndrome but not so in the US under the DSMIV (diagnostic manual).. so at age 48 i was diagnosed with PDDNOS..at that time with the accompanying issues of 19 medically documented disorders..
Rather than listing all of them again here..they are fully described in the post linked here:
So back to my early life..i was raised in a small town except for one year in the larger city Tallahassee in second grade..
I was precocious in reading and all things in decoding symbolic input..through the associated condition of Hyperlexia..along with the language delay and difficulty in speaking through midlife..with stuttering and coherently and concisely describing all the many thoughts about reality as whole swimming in my mind ALL AT ONCE!
And yes although ADHD was not a diagnosis then..both i and my sister were diagnosed as hyperactive by the attending pediatrician..
My mother told me i pushed myself around and around in my crib with my left big toe..and screamed when being picked up or sung to even with her beautiful voice…
But little did she know i had extreme tactile sensitivity..extremely acute hearing..and a level of emotional contagion..that made me literally feel like an empath..or an individual that experiences all the pain..joy..or sadness of people around them…
That was my form of Autism..some folks diagnosed with this disorder have great abilities in verbally expressing themselves..which was opposite from my form of autism..but on the other hand they are often cold and aloof from the feelings of other people..with the opposite of the extreme emotional contagion..that made up my experience of life..
You see.. i would have never been a writer if..i had not effectively lost my sight and hearing for five years…The output in life was not my forte..the input and decoding of all stimuli..was the strength of what i was…
People online who report they are autistic from what i see so far..in interacting with literally thousands of them on my online journey since November 26th 2010..starting there on the Wrong Planet Website..a site for people on the Autism Spectrum..are mostly very high in verbal intelligence..but sometimes so cold and aloof from other human beings..to where they seem not to be aware at times..of the pain they could inflict on other human beings..through their heartless personal attacks that are documented and prevalent everywhere these folks reporting they are autistic interact online….
It was never a place i felt welcome..as i spent most of my time defending other people from personal attacks..and they tried so hard to personally attack me..although my emotions were already cold..from that worst pain known to mankind..that made me into the zombie that i became…
But still even without feelings..the moral code was still within me and the vehicles and vessels of words that once held the essence of hope and love were still tools i used to help other people…
Well if you are still with me..reading here..as you can likely surmise this is gonna be one very long post as we still haven’t even got to January in moving to the present..but what happened to me is really a miracle..and for anyone who could be helped by the totality that is my life..i cannot help but to make my best effort here..to give the fullest and most sincere report humanly possible for me..
So i continue here..and moving into middle school..still doing great in school..but without many clues to social interaction and the jungle that is children moving through puberty for the overall competition that is life…
I was an androgynous looking child ..and with a growth spurt at 12 approaching a height of 5 FT 10 and 120 Lbs at 13..i was mistaken for a female at McDonalds..and i guess the bright happy emotional contagion on my face when i entered middle school at age 11 is part of why i was admonished and spoken to with that cruel F word for Gay that so many androgynous or seriously gay children are subjected to by the time when puberty hits…
It’s really difficult to feel like a boy..to like girls.. and find out surprisingly that people think you might be a girl..What escape is there from androgyny..well all there is.. is adaptation..and i started an exercise program..to literally change myself into a man..and well..it really happened..as eventually now at 53..no i do not look anything like a girl..anymore….
It’s kinda sad i felt compelled to do that really.. but school mates let me know in no uncertain terms..that if i did not..i did not deserve to exist..
That is the cruel and present reality that was the patriarchal ways of the early 70′s with Richard Nixon and the Republicans starting a rule of patriarchal ways…that was entrenched in religion anyway..in all the churches in my area..
Thank GOD that is finally changing..as it is the odd who are now valued more than those who even are considered normal at times..ergo the great success of the show the ‘Big Bang Theory’..in the last several years..
The world is moving toward Egalitarianism..and it is no longer a world..where everyone has to fit in one prescribed box of existence..
So happy to finally see that light happen for the fuller global race of human beings..But still far to go..but popular culture through youtube and other electronic age..freedom of expressions are guiding and leading the way to a new world order of love and freedom of just being who we are as human beings…
Well continuing on..while the students did not like me much..the teachers really loved me..as i was always giving them all my attention..and never made a fuss..and always made good grades..affirming really their value as teachers too…
So i guess i was the proverbial apple on their desk…
As my greater masculinity came..friendships with girls came..but i was still really asexual and had no idea what the sex thing was until after 16 and only then by getting access to pornography which is really an unfortunate way to learn about sex..as it is an objective driven body part thing..rather than a sensual loving experience…
So i had plenty of friends that were girls but no real girl friends throughout the course of high school..
I went to Beta club conventions down south..and girls were attracted to me there..but they never heard my stumbling attempts at naive speech..that made me seem much less intelligent than my grades might otherwise make known…
So i graduated at the top of my class number 11 out of over 380 students..along with my best friend Lynn a girl who i had a crush on who tied me at 11 too..but was always only a friend…
I had so many romantic crushes on girls throughout school from the time i was in kindergarten..each one could entail a novel i guess..but finally after high school..my emotional maturity caught up enough where at 18 a 15 year old girl found the whole of me attractive including the voice that was me..behind the blue and so emotionally sensitive eyes…
Well that changed everything..and rather going into too much detail about the loves that were to come..
Here is the post i made called Autistic Love Letter with stories and photos that describe all of that..
Well after that relationship broke up..a tumultuous time of depression and isolated feelings were next..and somehow i made it through..and although it seemed to damage the emotional part of my brain.. somehow..i survived an emotional breakdown..and manic period of life..that finally led me to graduating with 3 college degrees..mostly academic..in Health Science..Social Sciences Interdisciplinary..and Anthropology…
But..and a big but.. with all this knowledge one would think i could of at least become a teacher..but without effective coherent verbal or writing skills still..after finishing college..the future of any job was not looking bright…
So i ended up fortunate enough to gain employment at a Military Bowling Center that would last close to 2 decades..and eventually managing the place as a government civil service employee..which none of it i regret as it was some of the best times of my life..and where i started my real education on how to socially interact with a diverse group of individuals..and to really learn the ins and outs of reciprocal social communication..understanding the small social cues..that most people can take for granted…
My method was cognitive in effect.. and took one hundred percent of my effort to make it through the next day to do the customer service well.. that was absolutely required in working with the public…
Change was extremely hard..and when the time came finally through a government reduction in force to move to an administrative job for a captain at another base..i was simply terrified..
I made it through that for three months..was brought back to a position as Community Activities Director..mostly for my computer skills as a valuable commodity..as an employee..to do much more for the overall department i was assigned to than the job position that was documented..entailed…
And surprisingly enough ended up as Athletic Director at that military installation..the last place anyone in middle school..would have predicted the last kid picked on all the sports teams to end up..and no i really did not want to be there..as it was extremely like a fish out of water…
But as always in life..i persevered through a do or die attitude of survival..and even through a 2 year period of hyper-vigilence answering to the unreasonable demands of a tyrant of the first female captain to run the base i survived until March 1st of 2008..when i collapsed from total human exhaustion..otherwise known as for many of us midlife folks on the Autism Spectrum as Autistic Burnout from a life of adapting to social requirements that burn a brain to close to 100 percent of it’s energy and capacity for functionality…
I dedicated a post to Autism Spectrum Burnout at the link below..that is also applicable and potentially helpful to anyone who may not only be experiencing psychological burnout from a job..or other long term stressful events..like social abuse..or caregiving..but actual physiological burnout effecting the Cardiovascular..Respiratory system..Auto-immune system..and truly every human bodily system that entails human life…
The lowest pit of human hell came for me after 35 days of only one hour of sleep each night..and no sleep for the last 5 of 40 days…
Per my psychiatrist..even though i was physically humanly exhausted my adrenal glands would not turn off..and i was going to eventually have a seizure and die if i did not sleep..
Well at that point the pain in my eye from atypical trigeminal neuralgia..and in my ear..had moved throughout my body..all i was..was pain..and after that..i could feel nothing of a shorter period of time..and when i say nothing..i do mean nothing..i felt less than i could imagine a piece of paper feeling..i only prayed for any feeling then as i was in a place of hell so far beyond depression..any pain i could imagine..that every second felt alike an eternity of hell that i could viscerally feel as nothing..moving into eternity of hell..
Well..as you can imagine..my only hope was to die…as i will tell you this..there is this experience in life that is possible and real of a living hell so far and beyond any burning hell imaginable that death is the only escape imaginable…
So somehow i found the courage and strength to find my keys and try to run myself into a tree..but with a lifetime of love for life i could not even make myself go faster than 55..
And well..i attempted to go to a bridge and jump off it..but with the failure of not even having the strength to walk up to it to jump off..my sister found me at the bottom of that bridge somehow knowing i would go there to find an exit from this life..
She took me into a car and dared me to die with her driving 80 or so telling me she was not willing to live without a brother..and well the horrid reality of that is far from any words i think anyone could imagine..and the forgiveness for me of not feeling guilt enough for that to want to die..is a gift beyond all gifts that GOD could give…
Eventually i ended up in the hospital with an injection of Ativan and the heaven of being able to sleep..i was completely and totally out of my mind and admitted to one of those three day stays..and while somehow i made it out of there with every intent of still finding a way to escape the reality that was my pain..what i remember most is the still dead feeling inside and wishing with all my might that i could even feel the realness of the light in the eyes..of the schizophrenic patients..who at least still had the imagination to be alive and feel something..even a delusion of reality of life…
For two years i rode my bicycle with a metal chain in the front basket..i could not use my eye or ear for anything but long distance seeing with incredible pain..and one day when i was seriously considering an exit on a tree on a road called Martin road my wife woke me up about her dream of her grandmother and she hanging Christmas Tree Ornaments on a tree on Martin road…
Well.. the chills that went up my spine..and the fact she never mentioned Martin road before..in our marriage.. was enough to convince me never to think about suicide again..no matter how severe the pain might get..as i knew this was a message from this thing people describe as GOD that i better get my ACT together and complete whatever mission was the destiny of my life…
And after that.. shortly was on November 26th 2010..where i finally could tolerate the pain in my eye..and ear..enough to sit about 5 inches from a computer screen with the brightness turned all the way down..and start a mission to type one letter at a time..that was excruciatingly painful..that eventually led to words..paragraphs..and then finally what has become now..as somewhere close to 7 million words..spread all over the internet..
But now..mostly here..on this thing called katiemiafrederick.com…
So i guess it is finally time to talk about January 2013..but really.. all there was during that month is the same routine i had for the previous 25 months..of typing..typing ..typing..mostly to defend people and helpful organizations..that were being attacked by the cold and unfeeling folks online that seemed to find greater joy in hate than anything else in life..so i joined them in their living hell too as i guess a bird of a general similar feather do flock together..and yes i was still living in hell then..but oh no..not..anything like that 40 day stay without sleep…
The only thing really special out of the ordinary that happened until that point..was my cat Yellow boy that was a feral one that came up to our house..that helped me regain some nuance of emotion again..back in around 2010..and yes what appeared to be a cat that seemed to be one of his long lost sons that wandered up around December 21st of 2012..and would surely one day help to save my soul..but more about that later..in April..His name was Sunny boy..and no he is no longer with us…
But wait..my cat Arthur who has been with us for going on 20 years now..and a gray cat called Moby were also important parts of my recovery..as cats have always played a special role in my life..wherever it takes me…
And another cat later..called Oreo..who inspired another post..that i later found out was the one who likely helped to end Sunny Boys’ life…
February 2013
To the course of the end of this month my defense for people on the spectrum and off the spectrum from getting bullied..was an effort seen as tiring from people controlling sites that allowed me to participate there..while i walked on pins and needles to avoid getting banned..
In my defense of one obviously logical issue to me..but emotionally irrational it seemed to me.. for most other people..one of the last remaining individuals that ran a Facebook page..decided he could no longer tolerate me defending things he was against.. while he banned me amongst..literally over one hundred emotionally fueled individuals who did not seem to be thinking rationally to me..one person came to my defense..and through a series of conversations later..with that person..in an informal personal message the following post of creativity was generated there..from a place i did not expect..it was if it flowed off my fingers..with no conscious effort..and was my first real experience of magic like that..since somehow i won a Christmas story contest in middle school..and some unusual philosophical thoughts flowed through my fingers in a philosophy class at age 18..
This truly is what started my blogging experience..and shortly before that i had the inspiration to make KATiE MiA Kind Autistics Taking in Everything Mindful in Awareness..into an acronym on the Wrong Planet Website for the real and true autistic people i knew in REAL life that were only kind and mindfully aware of the feelings of other living things around them..including the feelings of their fellow human beings..in never ever imagining intentionally harming another human being…
March 2013
I posted a few logical discussions on the Wrong Planet website that i thought might truly help Parents of Autistic children and actual Autistic people..in real life…
After having my long hard thought out feelings and logic suddenly banned and deleted for no rational reason by a couple of Facebook administrators..i felt that i could have control over my creativity..only if i had my own medium of freedom to present my thoughts..that i valued that i felt might help someone else in the future…
There really is nothing stopping any private person from shutting down an internet site..so i wanted the freedom of expression to simply freely express myself on my own blog or website..
So i looked over the posts i made on the Wrong Planet website..and picked the most helpful ones i constructed..refined them..and included them on my new Katie Mia Aghogday View from the Spectrum and beyond..blogspot blog and accompanying Facebook platform…
I also started a Facebook nature page with my wife’s photos..over a thousand of them to date then..in March of 2013..and the experience of looking at these photos from 5 inches away on my dim screen motivated me to cut my Ativan prescription that i had been taking for close to 5 years..down from the already reduced prescription from a start of 4 MG..after that no sleep period in 2008..to what had become 1 MG..to 1 quarter of a MG..to finally feel more of reality that Ativan does numb…
Once again..i experienced the nuance of beauty..and i was bound and determined to somehow experience it even more fully in the future..little did i know at that time..that i would be speaking now actually doing photography myself with over 24 thousand pictures on my Flickr photo stream..just since September of 2013…
Vision is a sacred experience for me now..obviously now that i no longer feel that excruciating eye pain..and ear pain…
And photography is the way i ‘worship’ NOW the moment..and stop and truly not only smell but see the roses too..
But in March and even in the beginning of July of 2013..that was still a far..far dream from reality for me…
In March i also finally tolerated sound again well enough to finally listen to a piece of piano music i had created on my piano..from 2007.. before i hit full and total human exhaustion…
i developed Carpal Tunnel syndrome..and can no long play without disabling other functionality of my wrists and hands..but i made that recording into a youtube video..and posted the blog post linked here..about my challenge with the condition of Alexithymia..that prevented me from fully connecting language with emotion..and expressing it appropriately to others…
April 2013
Well this was certainly the Month of Sunny Boy and a sad experience of his death but yet.. a break through in finally feeling some emotion and some actual emotional connection to the people i loved in life..
Oh my GOD a bitter sweet taste of reality..but never the less a stone in the path of life..that could not be turned away..
Rather than going into further detail..here are the two posts of the moment of NOW that i made in April of 2013 about my feelings and yes..the sweet yellow cat that was Sunny Boy..the likely son of Yellow Boy who even with feline leukemia is thank GOD still with us…
The other life changing event in April was my purchase of an iPhone 5..the retina display relaxed the nerve in my eye..where finally even at small size i could once again..enjoy the true beauty of nature that were my wife’s nature photos.. And of note.. I also had purchased an LED all in one computer..in January..that was much easier on my eyes than either the LCD or CRT displays i had attempted to use in the past….
And i found structure in that iphone5..that truly changed the executive functioning of my mind as well..Truly a benefit for folks with symptoms of ADHD..i think…
And with the end of April came my first real creativity burst..since that first post in March about my perspective of life..It was the real spark of creativity or what i described as creation activity in that post..’Autism and the Nautilus’ ..that would eventually change the totality of my life..until that point..as a creative writer..rather than just an analytical computer style writer of only facts rather than feelings and yes..even esoteric musing about life…
May 2013
While my creative burst continued my need to connect to someone.. anyone..in a personal way in life..as the pain was too much to connect to anyone in real life.. was a desire i could no longer inhibit…
I started my own initiative to collect a number of blogs and websites..where autistic people and autistic parents could feel comfortable about relating their experience in an open opinion..without fear of being bullied that i saw so prevalent among the hating types of autistic folks that were spread so far on the internet..online experience..associated with attempts at social interaction..
That post is linked..here and i did manage to make finally what felt like some meaningful contacts with nice folks on the internet..some reporting they were autistic ..and some who were parents..or just folks interested in the condition…
June 2013
Well this is where things started getting a little strange..not only did i have a creative spark in writing i started getting driven by some type of force that was greater than just ‘i’…
I was always fascinated by Synchronicity..and in my earlier youth..had some extreme experiences with the phenomenon..
During my period of complete emotional numbness..i no longer felt anything was meaningful in life..so anything of synchronicity.. a psychological feeling of meaning from seemingly a-causal connected events per Carl Jung’s definition of the phenomenon was no where to be found…
But in June.. that rapidly started to change..and the beginning of a real explosion of creation activity..or this thing that most people describe as creativity..started here with this post called ‘Visiting the Garden of Band-Aid’…
From what i more fully understand..i seriously felt like i was driven by this thing that some Christians refer to as the ‘holy spirit’..to make that creation activity happen…
I went 24 hours without sleep until i finished it on my 53rd birthday on 662013…
Shortly after that..somehow i gained this notion that something special was going to happen on July 22, 2013..the date forecast for the Star of David Planetary Alignment….
Well yes..eventually the little boy..the prince of England was born that day..but at that point i had no idea that i would be a Phoenix rising out of the ashes on that day 2….
Well the fact is..whether it was my belief in something special or some type of energy of celestial event behind IT..a miracle did happen..and i was healed back to a fuller human being..with pain gone..and only zest for life again…
With still incredible new human abilities to come that i never experienced before..with that thing that some people describe as the holy spirit ever leading me to a higher place of both physical and spiritual consciousness….
July 2013
Well i guess i got a little ahead of myself here..as you already KNOWnow how special the month of July was for me…
And it was also when i first connected to Lala Rukh AKA White Pearl..a 21 year old girl from Pakistan..who also started a creative burst of Writing in July..that was the only one to date..that fully saw me as a human and offered me love.. to a complete faceless middle aged man stranger..for nothing more than the words i wrote on her blog…
My faith in overall humanity was once again..restored..the budding misanthrope that was gaining ground in me..was once again..in love with humanity..overall…
The hope of Love that that one girl gave me..by just treating me the way I ALWAYS TREATED PEOPLE..in real life when i was well..was enough to spark my soul..into heights i HAD never seen before…
So anyone who doubts what compassion and caring can do for strangers..there is no doubt here friend..that even in simple words from faceless caring STRANGERs ON THE INTERNET.. IN EVEN FOREIGN COUNTRIES there is enough POTENTIAL LOVE there to make a black hole sun soul..a brighter star of loving and caring…
There was also another person who more fully introduced me to poetry that was substantially helpful in my recovery as well…
And then in this same month i started to contribute to the dverse poetry pub online..with my writings..and found kind and supporting human beings there as well..and i dedicated a post to that online effort of support to poets at the link here..on August 1st…
And yes..the story about Oreo the neighborhood Cat that likely injured and indirectly led to Sunny Boy’s Death and the bright role that darkness can ultimately have in life was illustrated too..in my post named Oreo the meaning of life..on July 24th…
August 2013
I received my pair of Jim Maui $660 prescription sunglasses..that incredibly through a patented technology that adds seven layers of reflective tints to relax the ocular nerve…once again gave me the ability to use my computer without looking at it from 5 inches away..
And once again..i could even watch TV..or a youtube video from afar on my iPhone..it was simply bliss..as the enjoyment of sight was once again fully in gear…
I still cannot correct my vision to 20-20 as the extra focus of regular glasses without tint brings the pain back on..but my vision is good enough to see everything i need to see in life..and i was again moreover than anything enjoying the fuller beauty that is nature..and even my cats and wife….
Around the same time..and earlier in July i fully broke off my relationship with Ativan ..and became a day person finally ..and even walking in the day in broad daylight in front of neighbors..rather than avoiding the pain of all light except that of street lights for the previous years..usually anywhere from 1 to 3AM around my dark neighborhood in the woods…
I’m sure i scared some of the neighbors.. a guy with sunglasses walking that time of night and all of that ..but i did what i had to do to survive..as all other waking hours were spent sitting 5 inches behind a computer screen for over 2 years…
But i could no longer sleep and did not feel the need for it..and averaged 2 to 3 hours only a night until recently now in the last month or so for 5 to 6 hours of sleep…hopefully that is not only seasonal and will carry through this next summer as well…
When i was 21 i developed the sudden desire to do my jogging routine in reverse that i did for sometime then..
My legs started going numb in August from all the walking i had been doing..and at a whim i starting walking in reverse again..and YES just this last week..once an individual who could not raise his harms without passing out in the spring of 2008 from a condition called Dysautonomia..and Vaso Vagal Presyncope..failing a tilt table test of the cardiovascular system..
I managed to walk an alternating pattern of reverse and forward in our Cordova Mall in the local metro area for a total distance of over 23 miles in just one day..logging up to 20.6 miles on my Nike Plus watch..and accompanying internet site with GPS technology..until the battery went dead and i walked the last 2 and a half miles…in less than an hour at that mall..that day…December 21st in celebration of the Winter Solstice too..generating my own solar energy that day.. 
And no.. my legs no longer go numb..as i do have severe arthritis in my spine..stenosis of the neural canals and a congenitally fused T-6 vertebrae that exacerbated an early onset of middle age severe arthritis..
I no longer have any pain anywhere in my body..and seriously feel nothing less than bliss most ALL OF THE TIME NOW…
I CAN ONLY FULLY ATTRIBUTE THAT TO THE FULLER POWER OF THIS THING THAT MOST PEOPLE IN THE WORLD DESCRIBE AS GOD..ALLAH..TAI CHI..YOGA..CHAKRA DANCE..BELLY DANCE..MEDITATION..OR WHATEVER IT MAY BE THAT BRINGS A PERSON TO PERSONAL AND UNIVERSAL BLISS..
And the benefits are not just isolated to a subjective experience of bliss..i have documented some very revealing and even potential somewhat offensive pictures of the changes in my body that have comes as a result of the full enlightenment that has been an incredible one of my current spiritual experience..
i would have never thought my body at 53 could pass for that both of dancer and a body builder in the span of several days..but the proof however vain or strange it may seem are in the pictures of the posts of my blog in the last month..
It wasn’t easy doing that fuller expression of the totality of who i am now..including physicality.. but for what complete non-believers in the real Power that is the Higher Power that is the potential of human beings..the evidence is.. Yes..in those pictures in what incredible results the power of positive thinking with no limitation of potential or expectation of other people..can bring to just one person..in one experience of one lifetime on this earth…
I am humbled to be any part of that testimony of what this thing people describe as the HIGHER POWER THAT IS GOD can do for a human being..and even more humbled THAN that..at this time that..THAT human being is me….
I KNOWNOW THE LOWEST PLACES A HUMAN BEING CAN GO WITH THE ABSCENCE OF THE POWER OF GOD AND YES THE HIGHEST PLACES TOO..THAT IS ALSO AVAILABLE FOR A PERSON THAT NEVER LOSES AT LEAST THE VEHICLES AND VESSELS FOR THE ESSENCE OF THIS THING DESCRIBED AS TRUE WILL UNDER LOVE IN HARMING NO OTHER…
IT’S KINDA LIKE THAT THING THAT HAPPENED TO JOB..BUT NO IT IS NO DAM FAIRLY TALE..EVEN IF THAT STORY WAS ONE…I HAVE THE DOCUMENTED EVIDENCE TO PROVE IT NOW….
Okay yeah..enough dramatizing i guess..but seriously how could i not be just a little excited about this potential for other people..and no i am far far..away from being the only person that has experienced similar miracles in life..but it is only of the true will of each human individual to discern what is true and not true for their personal perception and experience of there own Uni-verse…
No path i have taken my work for some others..but who knows.. something in my story may spark a similar light of miracle in someone else’s life…
I think that is how the TRUE LOVE OF GOD REALLY WORKS IN REALITY FRIENDS…
SEPTEMBER 2013 THROUGH NOW…
Well in the last three months everything about me is really documented well right here on this blog..and generally speaking i have covered the important parts already..and instead of making this a whole dam novel.. i will stop here and at your leisure if you like you can review some of the 24K plus flickr photos that are seriously a photo-autobiography of everything that has happened to me since September of 2013 until now..and really the blog posts here since September 2013 along with the extended comments by me..do the same and even more..
But iF i inspired just one person by making these efforts to tell my story..Or my GOD even watered a plant sometime in life to help IT grow…
My life means something in this life..other than for me..and that is all that truly counts..
IN MY FULLEST ESTIMATION OF WHAT TRULY IS REAL AND LOVE IN LIFE!
At the bottom of total exhaustion back in 2008 i got on my old computer in this same bedroom..and starting searching anywhere for who the f**** i even am…
Well no matter what happens i guess i can say now..
That yes..Kilroy was here..
Whatever that means…
It just came to mind..i guess..cause i like the band called Styx….
And yes the lead singer of that group Dennis DeYoung reported experiencing this horrifying thing called Trigeminal Neuralgia and Chronic Fatigue which really IS nothing other than total human exhaustion..in his midlife too..
It’s a small world..and if we look and ask far enough we are never alone in the ‘crosses’ we carry in life…
My friends..and anyone who might perceive me as an enemy too..
I love ya..how could i not love anything after everything i have experienced in life..It’s not even possible my friends…..
In the full reality that is NOwMe
HAPPY NEW YEAR..TRUST ME..2014 IS GONNA BE GREAT!
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