"The Divine Comedy", Autism and Alexithymia

I think that Dante might have experienced some type of "Alexithymia".

It does seem at times like a "Divine Comedy".

I was gifted with one thing from the time I was young - intensity of everything.

Five years now, I spend my time somewhere in a fog of living death. The origin of "Aghogday", "Another Ground Hog Day", living in opposition to the other human that was me, "KATiE MiA", "Kind Autistics Taking in Everything Mindful in Awareness".
          
                                                    

                                              

Perhaps one day "Aghogday" will remain another day.

I've truly felt alive several times, but every single time, it has been over a worry of a cat being sick, lost, or injured. The only thing that makes me cry. The only thing that briefly makes me feel human again.

Today was one of those days.

The "Yellow Boy's" yellow son that injured him before, changing his life into an inside cat, has now become "Sunny Boy", at our front porch door. He wouldn't give up at trying to be ours; we finally gave in with a bite to eat.
 
He followed me around the block, that I walk around late at night before we gave in, and I wondered as I watched his persistence in trying to be my friend, if one day I would be his. He too, recently was in a fight and was injured, but he still is feral and only stays long enough for his bite to eat.
 
As he lay underneath our Sago Palm, and I saw that the abscess on his head had broken, I realized he is a sick cat now so I once again experienced being human.

I have been struggling so long with a will to go on, but along the way I have lost almost all of my ability to connect with human beings, including those who care and love for me.

 
"Nights in White Satin" by the Moody Blues:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IAjGdmFKf8E

 
It is the most horrifying aspect to me, not to be able to connect to those who can still connect to me.

Something about the nature photos I have been uploading to my Facebook page has changed something in my mind where I can experience the beauty again of the world around me.

                                                 

The temptation was so great to be human again, I have moved from one full "Ativan" down to a quarter.

The feeling of the beauty started coming back but so did the horrible feeling in my head that I can now remember more clearly, before I started on the Ativan.

Without the Ativan, my experience with the sick cat was not just one of sadness. It was also one of incredible guilt, for not being human enough in feeling love for those loving me in the last five years.


"After the Love is Gone"  by Earth Wind & Fire:
                                                                                     

                                                                  
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IZMOBTsz0uk



                                                            

I then experienced a feeling of rage against God, briefly, which I already know is along on this journey the same as I. Realizing once again, that I own it all myself, and no one but me.

                                                 

I found myself experiencing empathy for my spirit, and forgiveness for being the human that I am.

                                                    

Today for me, "The Divine Comedy" was that a person was proclaiming to the "Math" of the "Algorithm" that they were human, in similar wordplay I used in response back to a person that commented that Facebook "intentionally" removed their comment.

Later today, I find myself forgiving itself for being human, in fuller memory of what it was like to be human.

Should I feel guilty, should I cry, feel anger, rage, or should I laugh.

I suppose it doesn't matter because if I can feel any of those things it is only proof that I am still human. It would really feel good to laugh, which people tell me I used to do, but at least for today, I will be glad to be able to feel sadness.

For me that is a divine comedy, indeed.


"Living Inside Myself" by Gino Vannelli:
                                                            

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MOKLQPPMPdM


Autism, the Internet and "Ideological First Identity", a Collection of Thoughts:

http://katiemiaaghogday.blogspot.com/2013/05/autism-internet-and-ideological-first.html

                                                      

"AutisticS Peeks!"


It's Good

to Hear

ya
:)!
*

(:@@
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AS
P:
Autistic Spectrum
Perception

and

Perspective

Autism and the Strength of Abstract Reasoning

The distinction in abstract reasoning and identifying abstract concepts as opposed to abstract/figurative verbal communication is important.

Some adults diagnosed with autistic disorder whose intelligence cannot adequately be measured with standard measures of intelligence that measure verbal intelligence, actually score higher than individuals without autistic disorder, in the Raven Progressive Matrices measure of non-verbal intelligence.

This intelligence test measures fluid intelligence, abstract reasoning and pattern recognition through visual geometric symbols instead of abstract/figurative language through verbal measures of intelligence.
 
Difficulties with abstract/figurative language are in reference to understanding the figurative language of metaphors, sarcasm, and other more emotional aspects of verbal communication that may be affected, in part, by difficulties with Alexithymia, a condition present in up to 85 percent of individuals on the spectrum.

Many individuals on the spectrum excel in abstract reasoning and in identifying abstract concepts that may have substantial difficulties with understanding and using abstract/figurative language.

There is still an ongoing myth of stereotype in some areas that individuals diagnosed with Autism and/or Asperger's Syndrome have substantial deficits in abstract reasoning and identifying abstract concepts. Research with alternate means of measuring intelligence provides evidence that this is not the case, and that it is actually strength rather than a deficit for many on the spectrum.

http://www.plosone.org/article/info%3Adoi%2F10.1371%2Fjournal.pone.0025372

Strengths in abstract reasoning are discussed in detail among people on the Spectrum on the Wrong Planet website linked below.

http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt222662.html
Autism, the Internet and "Ideological First Identity", a Collection of Thoughts:

http://katiemiaaghogday.blogspot.com/2013/05/autism-internet-and-ideological-first.html

"AutisticS Peeks!"


It's Good

to Hear

ya
:)!
*

(:@@
@:)
!*


AS
P:
Autistic Spectrum
Perception

and

Perspective

Challenging Alexithymia with Music

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8SApGpWf2dg

"Challenging Alexithymia" by KATiE MiA/Aghogday
AKA "Nautilus", linked in the Blog post below. :)


Autism and the Nautilus:

http://katiemiaaghogday.blogspot.com/2013/04/autism-and-nautilus.html


I struggled with Alexithymia, off and on, during the course of my life.

The Piano helped me gain access and a language for emotions from age 12.

I also found it more fully opened a pathway of emotion in my brain, enhancing my verbal speaking skills in connecting with people.  My fine motor skills were not good, but never the less, I could play by sheet music well enough to gain a benefit.

My emotions were also generated by the "Spirit of Radio".  It seems like the "Spirit" of "Complex Emotion" and "Meaningful" lyrics in music is fading with time, with all the new available avenues to stimulate one's mind.


"The Spirit of Radio" by Rush:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qZ84JkYDa3U

My favorite song to generate emotion from playing piano by Sheet Music is "Stairway to Heaven" by Led Zeppelin:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8pPvNqOb6RA

I found much of my emotion in nature.  The song linked below, "Moonlight Feels Right", gives me a feeling of Moonlight, from a gifted musician who found a way to adequately describe moonlight in music and lyrics, in a nuanced upbeat way.  It is one of the few songs, I don't get tired of listening to.  It is mesmerizing to me in a happy way.


"Moonlight Feels Right" by Starbuck:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xwOirZ-rg6Q

I always wanted to create music without a guide, and during a period of chronic stress when I found myself losing all connection to emotions, the result was the Piano music I now call "Challenging Alexithymia With Music" and "Nautilus".  I finally took the time recently to upload it to a YouTube video format, from a low quality recording I had off of a voice recorder.

Interestingly, part of how I was diagnosed with Alexithymia was when I could not describe an emotion for the music that I suddenly was able to create.

My spouse's brother has a gift of emotional insight.  He described the music as "a lonely ghost wandering the earth, not realizing they were dead".  My spouse had previously described it as what sounded like "a tortured soul".

I doubt anyone who has not experienced Alexithymia can personally relate to the music, in the context of Alexithymia.  Never the less, there may be someone out there that can. :)

Note:

The recording volume for this music plays very low on mobile phones and tablets.  The music sounds distorted when the volume is turned up.

I attempted a louder recording input version at this link: 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mkr5RSLmZnI
 
It plays at increased volume, however it still may sound distorted on mobile phones and tablets.

The sound does not seem distorted on Desktop computers at low volume.

A "Timeless" Song

"Dream Weaver" by Gary Wright:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n-DmAh0dObI

I created a poll on the Wrong Planet website, linked below, where the issue of Alexithymia and whether or not emotions were evoked from the music and could be described in words, was discussed in detail.

http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt225739.html


Autism, the Internet and "Ideological First Identity", a Collection of Thoughts:

http://katiemiaaghogday.blogspot.com/2013/05/autism-internet-and-ideological-first.html

"AutisticS Peeks!"


It's Good

to Hear

ya
:)!
*

(:@@
@:)
!*



AS
P:
Autistic Spectrum
Perception

and

Perspective