Tuesday, April 02, 2013

"The Divine Comedy", Autism and Alexithymia

I think that Dante might have experienced some type of "Alexithymia".

It does seem at times like a "Divine Comedy".

I was gifted with one thing from the time I was young - intensity of everything.

Five years now, I spend my time somewhere in a fog of living death. The origin of "Aghogday", "Another Ground Hog Day", living in opposition to the other human that was me, "KATiE MiA", "Kind Autistics Taking in Everything Mindful in Awareness".


Perhaps one day "Aghogday" will remain another day.

I've truly felt alive several times, but every single time, it has been over a worry of a cat being sick, lost, or injured. The only thing that makes me cry. The only thing that briefly makes me feel human again.

Today was one of those days.

The "Yellow Boy's" yellow son that injured him before, changing his life into an inside cat, has now become "Sunny Boy", at our front porch door. He wouldn't give up at trying to be ours; we finally gave in with a bite to eat.

He followed me around the block, that I walk around late at night before we gave in, and I wondered as I watched his persistence in trying to be my friend, if one day I would be his. He too, recently was in a fight and was injured, but he still is feral and only stays long enough for his bite to eat.
As he lay underneath our Sago Palm, and I saw that the abscess on his head had broken, I realized he is a sick cat now so I once again experienced being human.

I have been struggling so long with a will to go on, but along the way I have lost almost all of my ability to connect with human beings, including those who care and love for me.


"Nights in White Satin" by the Moody Blues:



It is the most horrifying aspect to me, not to be able to connect to those who can still connect to me.

Something about the nature photos I have been uploading to my Facebook page has changed something in my mind where I can experience the beauty again of the world around me.


The temptation was so great to be human again, I have moved from one full "Ativan" down to a quarter.

The feeling of the beauty started coming back but so did the horrible feeling in my head that I can now remember more clearly, before I started on the Ativan.

Without the Ativan, my experience with the sick cat was not just one of sadness. It was also one of incredible guilt, for not being human enough in feeling love for those loving me in the last five years.

"After the Love is Gone"  by Earth Wind & Fire:



I then experienced a feeling of rage against God, briefly, which I already know is along on this journey the same as I. Realizing once again, that I own it all myself, and no one but me.


I found myself experiencing empathy for my spirit, and forgiveness for being the human that I am.


Today for me, "The Divine Comedy" was that a person was proclaiming to the "Math" of the "Algorithm" that they were human, in similar wordplay I used in response back to a person that commented that Facebook "intentionally" removed their comment.

Later today, I find myself forgiving itself for being human, in fuller memory of what it was like to be human.

Should I feel guilty, should I cry, feel anger, rage, or should I laugh.

I suppose it doesn't matter because if I can feel any of those things it is only proof that I am still human. It would really feel good to laugh, which people tell me I used to do, but at least for today, I will be glad to be able to feel sadness.

For me that is a divine comedy, indeed.

"Living Inside Myself" by Gino Vannelli:


Autism, the Internet and "Ideological First Identity", a Collection of Thoughts:



"AutisticS Peeks!"

It's Good

to Hear




Autistic Spectrum



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