In Memory of my Father First Fred
My father on the right..
and his twin brother
TED
on
the
left….
Well..
yes..
i’m a Junior..
i like to title things
‘special’
so i can find them
on
Google
easy
for future reference…
News comes today that
my
Father at 81
passes away…
i’m in shock
but my greatest
fear
is
i
cannot feel anything..
or may never
cry
over my
father’s death..
i’m glad he didn’t
suffer..
and
this wasn’t unexpected
as he
did
have
surgery
for an
aortic
aneurysm
in 2012..
and we are
worried
that
we
will
lose him then…
Well..
being
on the
Autism Spectrum
expressing grief can be a
difficult
thing..
i
only cried about
my
beloved
grandmother
dying
after watching
a movie
that
reminded
me of
her….
For me it’s almost like
if
i
dont’
see it
happen..
it
didn’t
happen…
And i’m not into viewing corpses..
no
matter how much
that
might
help..
the issue…
Well..
i suppose i will talk
about the good memories
of my
father..
and sure there are no
close
ones
at
all..
As my father as law enforcement
officer
for
44 or so years..
getting the record
of the longest
serving
Deputy
Sheriff
in
Florida
before
he retires
at
age
69..
stores his emotions
away
somewhere
never
to be seen..
Until his cat of
20 years died
when i am
in
my
30′s
and i finally heard him
sad..
and
actually
am
relieved
as
i
know then
that yes!
he
does have a heart
after all..
and yes..!
he did get upset
when
my
only child died too..
and an unusual response
is
don’t tell me anymore
bad
news
i
can’t take it..
So obviously he did have
problems expressing
his emotions
too…
Thank goodness!
for random songs
from past
as
for some reason
the song
“TeARing Up my Heart”
helps me to
cry about my son..
back in ’97..
when
he died..
and RANDOMLY HEARing
that song
again
today..
bring
the tears
flooding
through
the shock
of what
is….
The thing i remember
most about my father
is
i
idolized him
as
a
fearless
man
that never let anything
get
to
him..
while
i
then
am
a
super
scaredy
cat….
Over protected by a
SUPER EMPATHIC
LOVING
MOTHER
AS
SUCH!
i
am full of empathy
and love
no
problem..
but scared of my
own
shadow
is
what
i am
too..
without the paternal
influence
in
the home
as such..
STRONG
TO
COPY
FOR
ME
!
YUP..
MY GRANDMOTHER IS
TOUGH..
BUT STILL
NOTHING
LIKE
THE
STRENGTH
OF
A
FATHER LIKE MINE
COULD
BE
TO
ME
I
THOUGHT!
But anyway..
no hard feelings for me..
i
know life gets
complicated
and no matter the
conflicts
we
ARE
ALL
IN
THIS
GAME TOGETHER..
My father’s response when
my step sister died..
at the funeral
is
a little smirk
and
there they
go
planting her in the ground..
but still..
i
hold no
personal judgement
against
him
on that..
as i did not spend
four decades
with
life or death
situations
such
as he did..
in
Law Enforcement..
so many stories of valor
and bravery
i
can share..
but if
ya
watch cop shows..
it’s
like
a
Cop show..
where ya
know
the hero
villain
story
too
well
already..
i
think…
But again..
my best memories of my
father
is
of
ROCK
of
STABILITY
COOL
DUDE
JAMES BOND STYLE..
NEVER
BREAKING
A SWEAT..
ELEGANTLY
HOLDING
A CIGARETTE..
LIKE
HE’S
READY FOR ANYTHING
IN LIFE!
While for many years
i
wondered
if
i could
be my father’s child
as he
is so strong
and
i
am
so weak..
Selfies are coolest of all
as
although i never spend
any quality time really
with
my father..
i
see him
in
almost every
selfie
i
take…
now..
i
am my own
father..
NOW
FINALLY
the gift
only
my father
can
give
to me..
with or without
his
direct
assistance….
The strong
fearless part of
me
now..
is
him
in
TOTAL EFFECT
STILL..
THE FEARLESS OF HIM..
LIVES
ON
IN
ME…
NO
W
!
THE INHERENT
GIFT
OF
MY FATHER
NO ONE
NOW
CAN
TAKE
A
WAY
!
the inheritance
of
free….
And a couple of mother notes..
My mother married
him as
she thinks
he is the
best looking
man in the whole
world..
and whoever his
girl
IS must
be the luckiest
girl in the world..
SHE writes A POEM
CALLED
‘GREEN
EYES’
ABOUT
HIM
i
might
share here
later…
Well..
only problem
is
he didn’t
talk..
and stayed until i am three..
And his second wife
my
Stepmother
Carolyn..
mentioned
he is the one she
wanted that
looked
good
holding
a
wine
glass…
Yup..
his looks are a ticket
to many things..
but again..
his fearless nature
is
his real gift
to serve in law enforcement..
for those
over
4 decades
a vocation..
a dedication..
that took up
most
of his life..
like
is the case
for
many heroes in life..
that must serve more
than
just the loved
ones
at
home….
A member of the
whole dam
tribe
of
fearless
SACRED LOVE!
But again..
more than anything
i
am happy
i
see
him
in me..
i
suppose there
can’t
be many more things
greater..
deep down
that
a
father
can hope
for
before
a
father
goes..
away
for GOOD!
Still
in
TOTAL
AFFECT
AND
EFFECT!
FOR LIVING ON!
IN
SPIRIT
AS
SUCH
THROUGH MY
EYES!JR
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